craving paint

I’m craving paint.  And while, (thankfully!) it has nothing to do with eating, it’s a similarly intense mix of need and desire.  Rather than waxing eloquent about why I love paint so much (which I could easily do, and which is likely only interesting to a select few), let me just say this craving points to a whole lot more in our world at the moment than the tactile qualities of paint and color. 

It’s about making sense out of complex realities in an equally complex way.  Like in poetry or great fiction, or the Bach cello suite I’m listening to, great film or theater, when literal explanations are oversimplifications we need art.  I’m admittedly idealistic – which was much easier to pull-off when I was about 20 and had limited first-hand exposure to how complex life is.  However, it persists in me, thriving on opportunities, possibilities, optimism, great ideas for the future – pretty much anything that has not yet been directly touched by reality. 

Therefore, reality can be a tough competitor for my ideals to contend with.  Honestly, it can crush me with disappointment or more simply exhaust my passion.  My sweet husband in his efforts to protect me from such disappointments attempts to bring reality into the picture for me soon enough to keep my idealistic expectations in check.  I don’t always receive it graciously…

So in this grand struggle between ideals and realities, words, one-liners, quips, the “facts” all seem inadequate to order the experience. In good grad-school psych language, we try to “master and control” what we experience.  Funny thing that’s brought to light in that phrase is the knowledge that we simply cannot master and control our lives.  We live in dependence.  We are the ones Made and not the Maker.

I can’t speak for every painter, but I know what happens for me when I paint.  I work and struggle with colors and space and my brushes and my ideas, but at the same time another work is happening in me as all kinds of people and thoughts and pieces of puzzles in my experience come to mind to consider and pray over.  Somehow working on a painting creates space for the Lord to work on me at the same time.  I am brought into His mastery and control.  This is what I really crave: sanctuary and surrender.